Forgiving Yourself

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13).

A reader asks: What can you tell me about self-forgiveness?

That’s a good question. So often we focus on our need to forgive others or our need to ask forgiveness, but we haven’t really addressed our need for self-forgiveness.

That’s important, because sometimes we feel guilty about things done and left undone, and it’s hard to know how to deal with those issues. I can be amazingly lenient with myself at times, and amazingly harsh at other times.

That is one reason why people are encouraged to make confession. It isn’t because one must make their confession to a priest (as opposed to making it directly to God), but because we are often so close to the problem that we can’t deal with it effectively.

So what can we do?

The first thing is to recognize that we are God’s children. God brought us into being so that we could enjoy being in the presence of God for all eternity. God also delights in us. That is sometimes hard to believe, but it is true.

One thing the Bible makes clear is that God is Creator of the universe and the Source of all being. We exist because God exists.

We also know the world is no longer the way God intended it to be. There is evil and there are disasters. Bad things happen to us, and sometimes we do bad things. Most people have a conscience, and so most people are aware when they do wrong.

I never tossed a cigarette out the window of the car (back in my smoking days) without knowing it was wrong. I didn’t do it often; less than once every ten cartons I would guess; but I never did it without feeling guilty, and knowing I was littering and making a mess someone else would have to clean up.

That may be an act of piffle as world evil goes, but it was still wrong.

Most people with a conscience know when they do wrong; consequently, they choose to do those things anyway because the short term reward is greater than their desire to exercise self-control. In other words, the ego gets in the way. They want something and they want it now, no matter what the cost.

An addict, for instance, will do whatever is necessary to satisfy their craving – no matter what. It doesn’t matter who gets hurt; they will lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want when they want it.

A woman and her boyfriend left their three year old child alone in their motel the other day while they went gambling down at the casino – for hours. What was her excuse? They lost track of time and her boyfriend won a big jackpot! So did she; she’s in jail and we’re footing the bill as the state takes care of her child.

I have no doubt she hates herself for what she did. I have no doubt she is pleading for a second chance to be a good mom. She may get that second chance. That’s not up to me.

Can she forgive herself? Will she forgive herself?

That’s hard to say. Her real challenge won’t be asking for and obtaining forgiveness; her real challenge will be to change. Will she do what is required to become an adult – a thoughtful, productive member of society?

She needs to be willing to examine her life carefully, and to do so within a community that will hold her accountable for her actions. People need to be willing to say nine magical words (from the heart): I was wrong; I am sorry; please forgive me.”

It isn’t the words that are magical, of course, but the work one does to make them real. It’s a process. It may require jail time or making restitution, but one needs to take the wheel and get it done, because that is what genuine adults do.

God has high hopes for you; let’s make choices that do him proud.

What about the victims of abuse, neglect, or other crimes? Where is the satisfaction – justice – for what they’ve gone through? How do we address their needs? We’ll look at that next time in this, our world.