There’s More Than Bats in This Belfry

“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” C.S. Lewis

This past week I celebrated the thirty-seventh anniversary of my ordination to the priesthood. Well, “celebrated” is a bit strong. I made a mental note of it as the day came and went. I don’t think about my vocation much anymore. I retired five years ago, and while I always enjoyed my life and work as a priest and pastor, I was ready for a change.

I didn’t stop being a priest, of course. Although I may not wear my collar much anymore – not even on Sundays – I am still a priest. The pandemic changed things, however. 

Having had some experience with audio-video technology, I became the parish A/V technician. I pieced together the equipment we needed to provide worship online when the congregation could not gather in person. Even now that we have returned to our sacred spaces, we continue to share our worship online with those who cannot attend in person because of age, illness, or (let’s be honest) they didn’t get up on time.

I believe that my modern-day-Quasimodo work in the loft (fiddling with the A/V equipment, managing glitches on the fly, trouble-shooting issues the online folks raise during worship, etc.) is every bit as holy as the work I did behind the altar or in the pulpit. I know that in my head, but sometimes my heart turns a deaf ear or a blind eye to that spiritual truth. 

Transitions are like that. Some are thrust upon us quite suddenly. Life is going along quite swimmingly and then, WOMP! The body that has always served quite admirably as an engine of mobility breaks down, or the mind that was once sharp as a tack has become a tarp on a shack. We pick up the phone and the people who have always been there to answer, don’t. It’s not that they don’t want to; it’s that they can’t. “Oh, right, they passed away,” I say to myself, suddenly remembering they died three years ago. And darkness descends. The dead-letter office has grown larger, and one’s own life more fragile and diminished.

Other transitions are slower. They sneak up on us like Gollum seeking his “precious.” The early days of the pandemic stretched on from days to weeks to months to years. The isolation and care we took to be safe, to avoid contracting or passing along the disease became a habit, a way of life. The joy and vitality of living became mundane, replaced by a spirit of drudgery, hopelessness, haplessness, and helplessness. The Alleluia of Faith, somewhere along the way, was replaced by a more doleful tune: Lamentation.

We are told that the human body has many organs, and I know it is true, and yet it seems I can only play the black keys on the organ of my soul. That is truly horrifying for one who has striven for most of his seven decades to maintain a decent level of positivity and good humor (albeit humor filled with some absolute groaners).

So, what is there to do? Is there a way through this morose desperation? Of course there is!

First, we need to recognize it for what it is. It is part of life. The fact that this depression has struck me so hard lately is evidence that I’ve had to struggle with this darkness so little in my life. There is no “bucking up” and getting “over it.” It is what it is, so I find (for myself) that it’s enough to embrace a line from Simon and Garfunckle, “Hello darkness, my old friend.” It’s OK. Not, it’s “going” to be OK. Simply, it’s OK. Even Jesus cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” 

Secondly, while we may not know how long an episode will last (and it could be life-long), we know that even in the darkness, God is there. Pain? God is there. Loneliness? God is there. Despair? God is there. God does not arrive suddenly, like the Lone Ranger, to set things right. God is not Deus ex machina. God is Immanuel – God with (and in) us – the source of all true happiness here in this, our valley.

Keith Axberg writes on matters concerning life and faith. Author of: Who the Blazes is Jesus? Good News for a Vulgar World (available through Amazon in Print and e-book)