The Serendipity of the Serengeti

… We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5

What are we to do about bullies?

That’s what my great niece wants to know. That’s what reporters want to know. With voices emoting grave concern, the talking heads tell us bullying is a problem in and out of school, and schools everywhere have made it clear bullying is not to be tolerated; that bullies will be dealt with – severely, if need be.

But what can we do?

Bullying has moved from the school yard to the internet. “Social” media provide many more outlets for identifying, targeting, and tormenting victims. When a bullied child looks in the mirror, they don’t see themselves. They see the disfigurement of a thousand torments. They see each and every flaw that’s been pointed out. They see weakness, stupidity, and clumsiness – and what’s worse, they see the face and body of someone they hate – someone they can’t stand. They see the lie and the lies and they want to die.

What can we do about bullies?

Well, you can’t start with the bullies. Like some steamy pile of manure in the desert, they take the Name of God in vain: I Am Who I Am; I Will Be Who I Will Be. A bully has no sense of “other.” They live only for themselves and for their own needs and wants; their own sense of worth and power; their own ego and place in the universe.

The refrain we hear commonly sung is that bullies are really cowards, that we just have to stand up to them and they’ll run away. Experience often says otherwise. Punch a bully in the face and odds are pretty good they’ll come back at you with something more devastating. But does anyone really want to play Russian roulette with a sociopath?

So don’t start with the Bully. I suggest starting with the one who can benefit most by changing: the “victim.” I put victim in quotes because the first change I would suggest is eliminating that word from one’s vocabulary. You aren’t a victim; you’re a person; you’re a child of the divine. It’s true. You may not believe it at first, but write it down on a piece of paper and put it under the pillow or under your mattress. Keep it for future reference. Whether you believe it or not, it’s true, and the truth will set you free.

Next, take action. If the abuse takes place on Social Media, block the abuser. You don’t have to let someone into your house if you know they’re going to defecate on your living room rug, do you? So block them. If your friends tell you what is being said, tell them you’re not interested.

Not interested? That’s right. What others think or say about me is none of my business. When people want to spread gossip, I tell them I don’t want to hear it. It’s none of my business. If you want to report a crime, call the police. But if you want to tell me someone said something unkind about me, I don’t care (or want) to know.

Why? Because to care is to give air to the fire the bully is trying to start. The turmoil and the chaos and the tears are what give the bully his or her reason for being. So put a lid on it; snuff out the fire; trap it on the stove and don’t let it leave the kitchen.

If you’re confronted by the person IRL (in real life), learn to walk away. Again, you don’t need to stand there and take the abuse. You don’t need to be drawn into their drama or a fight on the ground they have chosen. They chose it because they feel safe. So, withdraw with a firm, “Thanks, but no thanks” – or silence.

Finally, find your tribe. Surround yourself with friends who value and appreciate the uniqueness that is you. In the Serengeti, lions, cheetahs, and jackals attack those on the fringes of the herd, while those in the heart of the herd thrive, finding their safety in numbers.

So, find your tribe and make your home. You’ll find strength and courage there to help you weather many a storm in this, our valley.