Sizing Up the Bully

Today I will give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life – Melody Beattie

In a few recent columns I have been talking about bullying and some of the steps a person can take to minimize the impact a bully might have on them. It occurs to me, though, that I haven’t taken time to address the question of what exactly bullying is; that is part of the problem in putting a stop to it.

What exactly is bullying? It is like the judge who said, in trying to describe pornography, “I can’t exactly define it, but I know it when I see it!”

Bullying is a slippery term, and unless we agree to what it means, we will probably struggle to address it in any meaningful way.

I am a simple soul, and I find it easier to address actions that are wrong or inappropriate than to put labels on them. For instance, if someone hits someone else, that’s an assault. It doesn’t matter if the assailant is bigger or smaller than their adversary; if you lay a hand on someone without their permission you have assaulted them.

The problem I have with a generalized label – bully – is that it conflates the person with the deed. Are you dealing with the bully, or with their behavior? I think it is helpful to separate the person from the activity they’re engaged in, and here is why.

Not all bullies are bullies.

People can easily be mis-labeled. An assertive person who expresses an opinion may intimidate the person they’re talking to, but that doesn’t make them a bully. Sometimes they’re not even aware they’re doing it. New Yorkers famously scream and shout their opinions at one another. They may be loud, they may be obnoxious (not all of them, of course; I’m sure some are very nice, quiet, pleasant persons), but they mean no harm; they simply express themselves loudly, and shouldn’t be accused of bullying, just because someone unfamiliar with their communication style is intimidated.

Some people are less innocent. They know what they want and may intimidate others to do their bidding. The world is full of manipulators. I suspect none of us are completely innocent of that. Fear and shame are primary tools in their tool box. FDR once said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, so it might be helpful to learn how to overcome fear.

Learning anything takes time. Fear is one of God’s greatest gifts to the human race, but unreasonable fear is a killer. So we need to face what we fear and learn to adapt, overcome, and improvise (as Marines are taught). This is not to say it is a victim’s fault if they are being bullied, but an invitation for all of us to learn to grow where we need to because …

… the world does have another class of bully – the sociopath or psychopath – who cannot and will not be reasoned with. They will not admit they are ever wrong; they will put the blame on the victim (she can’t take a joke; I didn’t hit him that hard; we were just rough-housing); they will gaslight the world to the ends of the earth and back (I never said that; I never did that; they misunderstood).

When facing this sort of bully, the best approach seems to be skipping the label and dealing with their actions as they occur.

The problem with labeling someone a bully is that it’s an ontological term – it goes to their identity or the essence of who they are – their being.

“You’re a bully; that’s what you are.”

“No I’m not; you’re a bully for saying that!”

But if we address behaviors that are demonstrably wrong (lying, cheating, hitting, taunting, name-calling, fat-shaming, and the like), then we don’t need to concern ourselves with ontological questions and labels, but with items that are in and of themselves actionable.

Most faiths have some version of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If someone is behaving inappropriately, simply ask them, “Would you like to be treated that way? If not, then stop it (and stop with the excuses)!”

Then smile, walk away, and enjoy some well-earned serenity in this, our valley.