Shepherd & Friend

Fine friendship requires duration rather than fitful intensity. – Aristotle



How do you know whether someone is a friend or simply an acquaintance? How can you tell whether a person you first meet will, at some point, become a friend, or just another one of the many contacts you have, but not necessarily one with whom you would share your deeper thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, or aspirations?

How can you tell who is a friend – someone trustworthy, dependable, and faithful?

These questions puzzle me, because some people appear to be surrounded by persons they would count as friends, while others struggle to identify one person they would be willing to confide in or trust to “be there” when the going gets tough.

What are the signs of true friendship?

Aristotle would hazard to suggest that it is duration which identifies a friend. By duration, he doesn’t mean longevity, per se, or a time span; rather, he is referring to the durability of a relationship that is able to withstand the trials and tribulations that assail it from time to time.

It is this durable quality that marks a healthy relationship, and which signals the depth and strength of the friendship. Can you tell this person what you really think or feel, or what you have done (for good or ill), and will they stick to you on your journey? If you can, and if they do, then I would suspect you may have found a true friend.

Sometimes I worry that we may use certain words too loosely. Friend is one such word. For many, it is simply a word used to define those we pal around with; but if things get tough, or you find yourself in need or hurting, look around and see who is there with you in your time of need. It is probably safe to say the person by your side is your friend. They are to be embraced.

In a Book of daily meditations I use, the writer says, “A meaningful friendship is a long-term dialogue. If there is a conflict or if we make a mistake … we don’t end the friendship. We simply have the next exchange to resolve the differences. Our dialogue continues over time, and time … builds the bond.”

Consider friendship from a biblical perspective. This Sunday, many of you will read or hear Psalm 23 – the well-known “Lord is my shepherd” psalm.

While we often think of shepherds as being the sheep-boss, the shepherd of biblical days wasn’t so much the boss as the head of a peculiar family. Jesus points out that while hirelings will run away in the face of danger (to save themselves) a true shepherd does what is necessary to protect the sheep and the flock, even to the point of laying down his or her own life. How many bosses do you know who will do that for you?

But Jesus doesn’t just “talk the talk” – he “walks the walk”. He doesn’t bother to talk tough; rather he lay down his life for his sheep. He lay it down for ALL his sheep, too; Not just the good sheep. Not just the white-faced, black-faced, or mixed-face sheep. He tells us clearly that he has “sheep that are not of this fold” (John 10:16), “I must bring them also, and they will hear my voice and listen intently to what I say.”

This is the kind of shepherd and friend I can believe in, trust, and follow. This is the kind of friend typified by the 23rd Psalm, where we are told The Lord is my shepherd. For that reason, we will lack for nothing. Our shepherd is the source of our rest, food, water, and protection.

And notice one more thing: the sheep do not choose the shepherd; it is the shepherd who chooses his sheep. This is a matter of divine grace, and not of personal merit.

The same is true of friends; we do not know whom we will befriend, nor do we know who will befriend us. Ultimately, it is simply a matter of divine grace. If that were not so, we would have to earn our friends and pay dearly to keep them. That would be a fitful and intense circumstance. I couldn’t abide that at all, but I can humbly accept the grace shown by our Lord, and our God.

May God strengthen us to be reliable in all our friendships and help us to share that grace with all we meet along the way in this, our valley. Baa-Amen.